Photo from psychicjennifer.comA few days ago, I had this friend who were asking for my help. She's older than me but she thinks of me as someone who can teach her and can give her advice. Of course, as a friend, I would be delighted to help her. It's a good opportunity for me to share my knowledge and to provide solutions that may or can fix her problem.
This friend of mine is suffering from couple issues - her husband cheated on her, became indifferent, and now, doesn't even budge to talk to her anymore. Her fear of their separation grows bigger and bigger every single day as she works in a different country, far from her children, to sustain her family's needs.
I knew she's really having a hard time dealing with this thing alone abroad. She's blaming herself for her past actions towards him and for not being chosen by her husband. While wearing a happy face, she kept this burden deep inside, so her family, especially her children, won't worry for her. She's definitely kind, good, and strong woman, and although I know she's strong, there are times when emotions overcome the self, especially when it comes to the matters of the heart. With that being said, I have this feeling, an urge, of helping her in my own ways.
Although I never had any love relationships since the day I was born, I knew that there's something (even a small one) that I can give her to lessen the burden she's feeling or just to clear her messy mind and let her seek the answers from within her.
As a reader of many success books, a friend who always listen and give advices to friend's stories and problems, and a writer of my own imaginations, I have somewhat placed myself on these kind of shoes (in my mind). It's maybe because of my personality that I was able to grasp the whole thing even without experiencing it physically, or purely because of my wild imagination.
Today, I'll be sharing with you my advices on my friend to also help those people who are experiencing the same situation she's dealing with right now. I'll be sharing to you my 6 Steps on how to forgive yourself that will help you move forward from any challenges you encounter in life. Enjoy!
1. Reflect and Understand the Cause and Effect of that Mistake
It's not enough to just know that you made a mistake. You must understand exactly the cause and the effect of the mistake. You need to be aware of the things that triggered you and what blinded you to do something inappropriate. As for my friend, for example, She was triggered by the fact that her husband cheated on her. She believed that she made a mistake by throwing hurtful words on her husband during a phone call. She expressed her anger in a not-so-good manner that makes the situation even worse than before. And now, she regretted it and experiencing the consequences of her mistake. She thinks that if she only delivered her messages with respect and with calm attitude, there may be a big chance for them to get back together.
Knowing the reason behind a mistake is fundamental for it allows you to understand clearly what has happened. It allows you to think logically and not be swayed by your negative emotions. It allows you to be more understanding not just to the other person whom you had a mistake with but to you personally. You'll be able to understand yourself more and see your limits more by analyzing your mistake.
You should take note that it's not enough reason for you to give revenge onto someone just because that someone hurt your feelings or your pride. A negative solution will never ever solve a negative problem. You have to keep in mind that you don't have any power nor any right to hurt or to be the reason of someone else's pain. Whatever it is that they have done to you, its their choice and their own karma. Their actions towards you are not in your control, so don't let those actions control you either.
2. Acknowledge and Become Aware of your Emotions
So you're done with understanding your mistake, now what do you feel? Do you feel like crying or do you feel like being mad? Whatever your feelings are, acknowledge them. Understand and become aware of your emotions.
It is crucial for you to understand clearly your emotions after understanding your mistake. Why? Because most people usually don't figure out their true feelings, causing them to do another mistake after a mistake.
To give you an example, let me use my friend's scenario again. My friend, as she was saying hurtful words to her husband, feels anger. But that isn't her real feeling towards him. She loves her husband so deeply that the pain runs so deep in her heart, causing her to do a mistake. Her anger overshadowed the feeling of love. And now that she experience another situation that triggers her to be mad at her husband, she's telling me that she's becoming annoyed again. Good thing that she said those words to me first before expressing it to her husband, or else, she'll made another mistake and may put their relationship into a much even worse condition.
3. Accept that You Made a Mistake
To accept, you must understand that it's normal for people to fail; and that failing is equivalent to learning. People who fail are given a chance to see a different perspective that enables him/her to learn and grow. Failure determines one's current limits and driving one to push those limits further than it was before. Failing or making a mistake is normal and can make you better. However, doing the same mistake while having the same reasons and circumstances, is pure foolishness.
Accepting a mistake is being humble. It's being able to state that we're lacking at some points, that we're able to show truthfulness within ourselves, and that we're not making any excuses that may point the blame on others. Accepting a mistake means acknowledging that there's something in you that you can improve, that there's something you need to change to become a better version of yourself.
The difference of successful people from unsuccessful ones, or happy people from unhappy ones, is that they were able accept mistakes and learn from them. Everyone has dark moments in their lives, even them, but they managed not to dwell on the mistake, and instead, they dwell on the lesson they got from the mistake, which will be elaborated more on the next step...
4. See the Lessons from that Mistake
Don't be blinded by your negative emotions and clear the path towards understanding the lessons from your mistake. You can't go back to the time where you can undo your past mistakes, but you were given this time, this present time, not to do those same mistakes again. Learn what you need to learn and change if you need to change. Time passes for you to understand that today is your present, so you might as well live today and not dwell on the horrors of your past. Time is ticking and in every second, every minute, and every hour is a chance for you to become better.
Lessons obtained from mistakes are the more powerful ones than those lessons you gained by reading and studying. So, see the lessons from every mistake. See what you can become by learning and applying the lessons into practice. Remember, it's not the mistake that defines who or what you are, it's what and how you are able to learn from the mistake that counts.
5. Be Grateful for the Experience
Experience is the best teacher and we all know that. But only a few are able to understand this statement clearly. Some people see bad experiences as life lessons but are not grateful about it. These people are the ones who haven't fully forgiven themselves from a past mistake, but insisting that they have learned from their mistakes. If this kind of scenario happens to you, then you're really not learning, and you're blocking yourself to grow.
You need to be grateful for the experience because it signifies the completeness of all the past steps I mentioned above. Being grateful of the experience is understanding your mistake. Being grateful of the experience is acknowledging your feelings and emotions over it. Being grateful of the experience is accepting and being true to yourself that you made a mistake. Being grateful of the experience is a proof that you have learned from your mistakes. Be grateful for the experience because if it never happened, you'll never learn something new. If it never happened, you'll never be aware of your true self. If it never happened, you'll never grow. If it never happened, you'll never see your true potential and the greatness within you.
6. Decide to Change
So now here's the last step on how to forgive yourself - the easiest thing to start but the hardest thing to commit and to accomplish. Decide to change. Deciding to change is not a one-time-big-time decision. It's not a one day effort and then you can expect that tomorrow, you're a changed person. To make it easier to understand, here's an example:
Let's say you want to have a fit body. In order for you to do that, you have to have a schedule, a routine of when to exercise, how many days in a week are you going to do the workout, when are you going to have your cheat day, etc. You have to decide everyday that you need to do these things for you to have a fit body. Let's say you make a decision to do these things today and then the next day, you decide not to. Will it work? It won't. Deciding to change is a commitment, it takes a long time before one can consider himself/herself changed.
When in terms of forgiving yourself, deciding to change covers: the way you handle situations, such as the way you react to things that are not pleasing; the way you choose words before you speak; the way you understand things; the way you handle arguments; the way you see yourself; the way you express your message through actions, and many more. You must decide to change these things in order for you not to do the same mistake. You must decide to change to experience more things in life so you can grow more and become better.
And to end this list, I'll leave you a quote, "Don't waste your time controlling something you have no control. If you want change, then you have to be the change."
What do you think of my advice? Do I miss something? Write down your comments below and share your thoughts about this blog.
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